PERFECT SYMMETRY

            A couple of weeks ago, as I was struggling to sleep I turned on my TV hoping for some thing that would either entertain or sedate me. Apparently 2:30am is prime time for televangelists. I always thought there was something sinister about televangelists (regardless of religion). They are way too nice … It gets to the point that it becomes unnatural and artificial. Anyway, one show had this woman promoting a self-help book. Needless to say, I was not about to take anything that this lady is going to say seriously. Anyway, the secret to living happily, according to this book, is “to live out of control”. When I heard that, I got slightly interested. You usually do not hear these things from people of faith. What she meant by this is that unhappiness originates from our inability to control our lives (the people, the events, the outcome, etc.). Therefore, in order to be truly happy we have to stop trying to control things… let things be … and put our trust in God. God will make things workout in one way or another. Of course, it was not too long before the show host interrupted her to make sure that she clarifies that she still believes that there are certain aspects of our lives that we have to control in order to please God.

            I have not really thought of this until today as I was planning out the projects for my PhD dissertation. I was obsessed with control. I wanted to make sure that everything was going to work the way I intended it. And if it does not work, I want to know how I am going to deal with it. Everything has to be under my control. I think that the motivation behind such behavior is the doubt that I feel about the direction that I am taking in my life (doubts that have already turned into fears).

I took a break from my work and thought about this … and decided to let it all go. Things will work themselves out.

            I have not examined my faith in a long time. As my faith deteriorated over the years, I knowingly retained some aspects of it that I thought were of significance (i.e. social philosophy). One aspect that has been with me all along is my belief that God was guiding me with his own way. It always brought comfort to me knowing that there is something out there looking after me. So why worry?

It sounds funny when a secular ‘atheist’ says this … But …

It’s all in God’s hands.

“Smart People Do Smart Experiments”

This statement might sound intuitive, but it is not. When Dr. Keil (a really smart yeast geneticist) mentioned these words on my first day as a graduate student, I got inspired. I did not know why. These words implied something that I found very soothing.

Earlier today, I was thinking about this and realized what it actually meant to me. Science is an art! It is a reflection of someone’s self. The same way a painting is a reflection of who painted it, or music is a reflection of who composed it.

Smart people do smart experiment. Stupid people do stupid experiments. Sloppy people do sloppy experiment. Cautious people do cautious experiments. Like I said, this sounds intuitive … but it is not. Science is more about the scientist than anything else. Medicine is more about the accumulated knowledge than the individual doctor. After all, a doctor without the knowledge is not a good doctor. On the other hand, scientists without a complete (or true) understanding of their fields can still be good scientists.

If you put two scientists together in the same room and ask them to tackle the same problem, it would be very unlikely for both to come up with the same solution. Their solution is a reflection of who they are, what they know; and the experiences they had.

I started the day by listening to some Massive Attack … nothing like trip hop (aka acid rap) to set the mood of the day. The sound is unique … It is dark and sad … with a very subtle hint of anger. It is the creative and elegant manifestation of fears, doubts and insecurities.

About two weeks ago, I passed my PhD candidacy exam. My oral defense (according to the exam committee) was perfect. However, one comment was made that troubled me. I was told that I did not conceptualize the topic to the fullest. What troubled me about this … was the fact that I knew it … I knew that I was too focused on the details. Even when I tried to change this … I could not. I was just too tangled up with the trivial details of who did what … when and where … why and how.

            I have been thinking a lot lately about the conceptualization of reality … Reducing everything to its fundamental truth. Life would be easier to understand … relationships would be easier to build … characters would be easier to maintain.

My inability to conceptualize important events in my life led me to where I am today- alone with half a million thoughts racing through my head. The details of everything that ever happened to me don’t want to go away … they are locked up in my mind … and decaying very slowly. If only I can see the truth behind everything that happened.